Hey Georgia, I went to you twice. Neither time was I impressed with your weird enter in the fast-lane highways, or take this tram to your terminal 11 miles away airport. Choke on that, Bulldogs. Your most famous band, REM, has a front man from Collinsville, IL. Eat it, Athens.
Mizzou vs. Georgia, who is better? Let’s break this down with the best possible metrics to preview a SEC matchup.
Mizzou 15, Georgia 14. Well, what do we have here? Coming up a little short are we Georgia? National titles be damned! In the NCAA it’s all about winning your conference and getting those bragging rights. Only 14? What is this, amateur hour? (Wait…I mean…you know what I mean)
Best Looking QB
Blaine Gabbert vs. Jacob Eason. Gabbert in a walk over. Eason’s locks are nothing compared to the flowing rivers of gold that lay atop Blaine’s movie star mug.
Beauty of Campus
Francis Quadrangle vs. Meyer’s Quad: Meyer’s quad is a hyperbolic description of a patch of dead grass not worthy of a single step from a Mizzou alum. Frances Quadrangle is perchance the most beautiful field of green on Earth. Plus, the Columns! Remember that story from Summer Welcome about the keyhole lining up with the keyhole like a mile away? Can you top that? I didn’t think so.
Design of Stadium
Faurot Field vs. Sanford Stadium. Sanford Stadium, what a dumb name. Plus, it looks like a rundown parking garage in East St. Louis. Faurot Field is a wonder of modern architecture, sunken into the cleansing limestone that makes up the foundation of our great state. The painted M, the modern press boxes, the view, the breeze, the access to tailgating. Heaven on Earth.
Best Non-Sports Alumni
Georgia Top 5
1. Wayne Knight: Helloooo, Newman. Your least favorite TV postman. Also, Jurassic Park villain. It’s his fault and his fault alone we all can’t visit real live dinosaurs to this day.
2. Ryan Seacrest: He got his start on American Gladiators 2000 and then went downhill and gave America the Kardashians. A pock on the history of our pop culture.
3. Michael Stipe: Fine…REM was awesome
4. Kyle Chandler: Fine…Bloodline was awesome
5. Alton Brown: This pretentious "foodie"…don’t get me going. He ranks only behind Guy Fieri on my Food Network hate list.
Mizzou Top 5
1. Brad Pitt: Best looking dude in history. One of the 5 most famous actors of all time. BOOM.
2. Sheryl Crow: Nine Grammys. REM, three. Put that in the win column for ol’ Mizzou. Plus, Leaving Las Vegas still rocks.
3. Jon Hamm: Don Draper went to Mizzou. Why don’t we thank him every day? Because “THAT’S WHAT THE MONEY’S FOR!”
4. Tennessee Williams: One of the greatest writers in our nation’s history. A Streetcar Named Desire anyone?
5. Tom Berenger: Jake Taylor, the greatest catcher in Indians history. Oscar-nominated, Emmy-winning and Golden-Globe-winning actor. He also lived in the same dorm as yours truly. Side note, lead songwriter in Eddie and the Cruisers.
There it is folks. How can our Tigers possibly lose? What other metrics do you need? Yards per game? Defensive rankings? QBR? That stuff is for novices and nerds. Follow the metrics laid out above and you’ll pick a winner every single time. MIZ!!!!
P.S. Aww…Did I hurt the lil’ Bullpuppy’s feelings??? Then light me up on your computer phone Google machine on Twitter @Will_KSDK