Well, I put out the Saul-Bag call for content and you all did not disappoint. And in version 2.0 we actually received more than 2 real sports questions!
I poured some caffeine directly into my imagination to try and keep up with this stream of near nonsense. As the great St. Louis band Money for Guns would say… “Grab hold and hold tight…”
The winner of the “Wow, this guy must be bored at work” award goes to Josh Yakovitz of Clifton Heights:
- What the blank is a Billiken? According to the fist link I clicked on after Googling this, “The Billiken is a mythical good-luck figure who represents "things as they ought to be."” In my opinion it’s just the best mascot on the planet. Eat it “Seattle Storm.”
- Who is the all time best, shortest basketball player? Mugsey Bogues, duh.
- Who is the shortest basketball player who could still dunk? Spud Webb, bro. Dude beat the Human Highlight Film in the Dunk Contest…although there is tale that Mugsey could throw down..
- What would be your baseball walk out song? I have wavered on this time and time again…my gut is always “Helter Skelter” by the Beatles. But, at other times I think “Time Bomb” by The Old 97’s would be awesome. Or, I have considered throwing a true curveball and walking out to “Islands in the Stream” by Dolly and Kenny.
- Should I move all of my retirement funds into Chief Wahoo merchandise futures? No.
- Who should star in the inevitable third installment of Space Jam? Has there been a second installment?
- What percentage of baseball players can fit the whole ball in their mouth? 3.675%
- Are the worst players put in right field? Asking for 9-year-old me. I mean…that is where the Cubs put Jayson Heyward. #SickBurn
- How long until we have a stadium named after Jeff Bezos? Will that happen before or after he carves his name into the moon? The moon, followed by Titan, followed by the hidden planet beyond Pluto.
Thanks Josh. You could have gave us assistance, but you gave us so much more.
Now…on to some actual pressing questions…
Stephen Nations, Princeton Heights:
- Which player smokes the most cigarettes? The answer is Vlade Divac. He was a chain smoker…I mean, just Google image search the guy. He was also probably the best post-passer in the history of the NBA…along with Bill Walton. As far as baseball goes, it’s Roger Maris.
Jeffrey Trotter, Columbia, MO:
- Is there anything less inspiring than answering the signing of Yu Darvish with Bud Norris? No. No. No. That’s like if your arch rival started dating mid-90’s Kathy Ireland so you started dating a discarded Styrofoam cup someone spit tobacco juice into.
Andrea Gioia, Ballwin, MO:
- Will STL ever get an NBA team and what should it be called? My heart says please god yes, but my gut says no. We couldn’t even get an MLS team and they’re giving those away like “Barney on Ice” tickets at a gas station cash register. But, if the gods smile upon us and we do, we have to bring back “The Spirits of St. Louis.”
- Who is going to replace Matheny when we don't make the playoffs again this year? Probably just a spreadsheet with a bunch of algorithms typed in it.
- What rally animal will we pin our hopes on this season? I will let a penguin out of the zoo and drop it off in center field if it means a pennant. Go with a Puffin. Puffin’s are the honey badgers of the avian world.
Nan Wang, St. Louis, MO via Nanjing China:
- Who do you think will win the NBA championship? It’s the Warriors barring injury. But, if either Durant or Curry can’t go, it’s the Rockets.
Noel Feldman, Columbia, MO via the Upper East Side:
- Do Reebok Pumps actually make you jump higher? Dude…do you remember Dee Brown??? Yes they do, it’s science.
Now we start cooking with gas!!! My main man Mosley, the Sam Cooke of COMO, comes through with a true brain tester.
Josh Mosley, Columbia, MO:
- If you had 5 fictional characters to put in a dunk contest, who would you pick? They don’t need to be fictional athletes; just fictional characters you’d like to see attempt to dunk.
- Black Panther: Why? Because Chadwick Boseman is Jackie Robinson, James Brown, Thurgood Marshall, and the Black Panther. Basically, there is absolutely nothing this dude can’t do.
- Darkwing Duck: Why? His intro was off the chain.
- The Gummie Bears: The intro was a bit lame, but they had serious hops…here…and there…and everywhere.
- Vince from the Saturday Morning show “Hang Time” starring Reggie Theus: Why? There’s one episode where he started taking steroids so he could “get into a Big-10 School” just like his dad. But, only him in that episode. Without roids he’d be lucky to walk on at Iowa Wesleyan or Milliken University.
- Jimmy Chitwood: Why? To quote Jimmy himself, “I’ll make it.”
Honorable mentions: Teen Wolf, Moses Guthrie, Sydney and Raymond from White Men Can’t Jump, Shep from Above the Rim, Neon Boudeaux
Wes Wingate, Columbia, MO:
- Why can't we just resign Lance Lynn? My guess is he ticked MO or Mr. Handsome off by having what is called “a personality.” When his price continues to shrink and someone gets hurt, he’ll get his payday.
Tracy Rode, Fenton, MO (AKA, the coolest person to ever reside in that FenMO):
- I request a "where are they now?" on Skip Schumaker: Your demand is met. Last I heard he is the 1st Base Coach for the Padres. I guess the weather is nice.
AJ Jatala, Downtown St. Louis, via London, and the Caribbean:
- Any chance we try to sign Jake Arrieta? The only way I would do this is high dollar low years. He, like Lynn, will get his payday when a club starts feeling the pressure due to injuries or nonperformance. I would take him on 3 years for 70 mil.
Kyle Schlosser, Columbia, MO :
- Do you like gladiator movies? Is this mail bag not good enough for you, Kyle? “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??????”
Ronnie Lowery, Ozark, MO:
- Who, on the Cardinals current roster, is the biggest threat to Yadi’s "Slowest to First Base" title? Now this is a closer to test my metal The easy money is Gyroko or Waino, but the dark money…Brett Cecil. The dude has a sneaky big gut. He’s a two-month lower body injury away from being David Wells.
So…that does it. My Google search field is exhausted and I’m pretty sure the programmatic marketing attached to the cookies on my computer is about to explode. I hope you enjoyed this Sauls-Bag 2.0. I gave it my all…well…I’ll be honest, I gave it my 73%. Any follow-ups you want to shoot my way you can find me @Will_KSDK .
Until the next Sauls-Bag, take care of yourselves, and each other.