Now that the salivating for Girardi back in a Redbird uniform has begun, it’s time to take an in-depth look at both Joe and Mike. A true tale of the tape before we all get ahead of ourselves. I, with a little help from my Google Machine, will determine who the better manager for our Cardinals truly is.

So, how do we break down two jacked-to-the-nines managers who both spend more time doing preacher curls than studying how to run a bullpen? To quote the great Stephen Nations, "Well, you start by analyzing the fact that they were both hard-nosed catchers that played for decades, that were known for being tough guys, and managing a pitching staff, and got their jobs by reputation, not experience, and as a result are completely oblivious when it comes to strategy." But, beyond that obvious fact, what do we do?

I have carefully chosen the following criteria upon which every managerial candidate needs be judged by henceforth.

As Humans

Names: Michael Scott Matheny is clearly a better name than Joseph Elliot Girardi. If Matheny would drop the last name and simply go by Michael Scott, we would all rejoice the continuation of his tenure.

Winner: Matheny

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Size: Girardi 5’11’, 195 lbs, Matheny, 6’3” 205 lbs. Matheny has the clear reach advantage, but I feel like Girardi would be the kind of fighter to work the body for the first 5-7 rounds and then drop Mike with a vicious right hook.

Winner: Girardi

As Players

Girardi: 36 hrs, 422 rbi's, 1 AS game 0 Gold Gloves, 3 rings

Matheny: 67 hrs, 433 rbi's, 0 AS games, 4 Gold Gloves, 0 rings

Girardi may have the rings, but (and I had to double check the numbers) Matheny was a better hitter. I knew Mike was a special talent behind the plate, but he was also a better offensive catcher. Plus, that cannon!

Winner: Matheny

As Managers

Now here is where, as Kurt Vonnegut would say, "The excrement hits the air conditioning." I know Girardi won a ring at the helm of the Evil Empire, but these two are far closer than you may think.

Down to the Math of Management and Mismanagement:

Girardi: 11 total years as a big-league skipper. Overall Record of 988-794 for a .554 winning percentage.

He led the Jankies to 3 Division Titles, 3 wild cards, 1 pennant, and 1 World Series championship in 2009.

In total, a 28-24 postseason record. His huge advantage over Mr. Handsome, 128 challenges, 94 won for a .734 clip.

Matheny: 6 total years captaining the Flock of Fredbirds. An overall record if 544-428 for a .560 winning percentage.

He has captured 3 division titles, 1 wild card, 1 pennant, and zero rings.

In total, a 21-22 postseason record. But, 167 challenges, 83 won, a paltry .497 clip. Can we blame David Bell and that dumbfounded thumbs up look he gave every time he wanted the club to challenge? Yes, yes we can.

Winner: Must dig deeper

The main thing that sets Girardi above Matheny is that gaudy ring from 2009. Matheny had a real shot in 2013, but lost to Mitchell Report winner Big Papi and the Red Sox. But, how much was Girardi, and how much were the rosters?

World Series Rosters:

Girardi: Posada, Teixeira, Cano, Jeter, A-Rod, Damon, Matsui, Pettitte, Sabathia, Rivera.

I count 5-6 hall of famers.

Matheny: Molina, Allan Craig, Matt Carpenter, Freese, Beltran, Holliday, Pete “Can’t Hit, Catch or Throw” Kozma, Wainwright, Westbook, Wacha, Mujica, Rosenthal, Lynn

I count 1-2 hall of famers.

I mean, Kozma vs. Jeter? Are you kidding me? If you play Pete Kozma at SS in a game you want to lose.

Kozma...

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or Jeter...

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Better Roster: Obviously, Girardi

Better Big League Manager: It’s a Draw

I honestly don’t see how signing Girardi would give the Cards anything different than the past 6 seasons with Matheny. Girardi won a World Series because he had a lineup and a bullpen he could put on autopilot. The difference between Matheny and Girardi is Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter. They are basically the same manager, the same person, and will yield the same results.

Is change for change sake a good thing? Sometimes. But, in the end, it is unquantifiable.

Alas, we came here to decide who is better, and I'm not a man to leave a task undone. There is only one way to analytically, scientifically, and responsibly pick the better manager for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Super Hero Look Alike

Matheny = Bruce Wayne

Girardi = The Punisher

Winner: The Punisher. There is no line he won’t cross. Also, there’s no British butler needed to accomplish his mission. He locks in on a target and doesn’t stop until it’s over. Wayne wouldn’t even finish off the Joker.

I’ll get Dan Buffa to put the call into Mr. Dewitt and get the change made post haste.