Barack Obama’s eighth and final turkey pardon brought one last opportunity to make America groan under a barrage of Thanksgiving puns. He did not disappoint.
"Thanksgiving is a family holiday as much as a national one,” Obama said from the Rose Garden. “So for the past seven years I’ve established another tradition: embarrassing my daughters with a corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys.”
The president’s daughters, Sasha and Malia Obama, were absent this year due to a “scheduling conflict,” he said.
“Actually, they just couldn’t take my jokes anymore,” Obama admitted. “They were fed up.”
From there, Obama rained dad jokes. Mercilessly, one after another. Here are some of the worst:
“When somebody at your table tells you that you’ve been hogging all the side dishes, you can’t have anymore, I hope you respond with a creed that sums of the spirit of the hungry people: Yes we cran.”
“I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren’t so lucky, who didn’t get to ride the gravy train to freedom, who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren’t chicken.”
“What I haven’t told (my daughters) yet is that we are going to do this every year for now on. No cameras, just us every year. No way I’m cutting this habit cold turkey.”
“I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I’m doing this so we’re not leaving any room for leftovers."
Obama turned to Tater and Tot, two Iowa-raised turkeys winnowed from 20 raised just for the White House Thanksgiving. After their pardons, Obama said, the two would retire to a home at Virginia Tech, “which is admittedly a bit Hokie.”
America had a lot to be thankful for, Obama said, pausing the puns. He cited six years of job creation, narrowing inequality and an improved housing market. He urged Americans to see themselves in one another after a polarizing campaign season.
“Thanksgiving is a good time to remember that,” he said. “We have a lot more in common than divides us.”