“This isn't the direction I saw my life going,” said Matt Hirsch, who lost his wife Brooke in 2013.
Life got in the way of the plans Hirsch made after creating a great life with his college sweetheart.
“I met her in college my freshman year and immediately became best friends,” said Hirsch. “My wife was a health nut. Was running half marathons and doing all sorts of unbelievable things.”
Three children later, Brooke and Matt Hirsch faced a medical emergency at the school where Brooke was a teacher.
“Walked into her classroom and got lightheaded and she collapsed and had a seizure,” said Hirsch. “She was taken to the hospital where they found a golf ball sized tumor behind her left eye.”
It was after Brooke's second surgery that the Hirsch's realized the situation was more dire than they imagined.
“Not only had a tumor come back, three of them had come back and they were exploding all over her brain,” said Hirsch. “And it was just a matter of time and not a lot of it. That's really where BJC and hospice came into my life.”
As Brooke approached end of life, the Hirsh's sought care from BJC Hospice. Hospice care is a team-oriented approach to end of life: medical care, pain management, emotional and spiritual support for the patient and caregivers.
As Christmas 2013 approached, Hirsh feared what it would mean to his three daughters if their mother died on Christmas Day.
“Do not die on Christmas and she made it another two days,” said Hirsch. “It is a sad story. Loss is tragic. Little girls without a mom is difficult and sad but I don't want anyone to be sorry for us.”
Suddenly a single parent to daughters Olivia, Emme, and Maddie, Hirsch knew he had to become a better parent.
“When Brooke and I decided to have kids, she was clearly the more capable parent,” said Hirsch. “And I put very little forethought into how to be a good dad or how to be present and involved.”
Then another test awaited Hirsch. His mother Maxine became sick and is currently in hospice care.
“There's nothing more medically that can be done to help her,” said Hirsch. “It's really difficult to watch this slow decline. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm in crisis management all the time.”
Michael Brodt became a single parent of a boy and a girl, in search of answers after his wife Tracy died two years ago from ovarian cancer.
“I was really looking for someone in similar circumstances, some other father that's gone through this, that's got kids, that knows what it's like to play both roles,” said Brodt.
BJC Hospice connected Brodt with Matt Hirsch, who had become a first-time hospice volunteer.
“I absolutely don't believe I have all the answers. I don't have any of the answers, but I'm a pretty good listener and I could relate because I've been there,” said Hirsch.
Dr. Patrick White, chief medical officer for BJC Hospice, said peer to peer counseling from volunteers like Matt Hirsch is effective.
“They know what it's like to go through this better than anybody,” said Dr. White. “So, they've gone through training to get communication skills and to dedicate time to helping other families through this voyage.”
Although Brodt and Hirsch have only met once in person because of family demands, they often text and talk on the phone, bonding for obvious reasons.
“We're two single fathers trying to juggle multiple kids, trying to juggle careers, trying to juggle households,” said Brodt. “I remember walking out of the Bread Company thinking 'man I don't know if he got anything from me', but I really feel good right now. I feel good about myself what I shared with him.”
Both men said not to feel sorry for them as they do the best they can every day to raise their kids. And when life changes the plans you made, be prepared to man up.
“You really have to be courageous to face your fears, face your grief, help your kids through the grief, face all the anger, all the sorrow, all the jealousy, and find your way to a happier place,” said Brodt.
Hirsch agrees. “I don't feel sorry for myself. This is not the path that I would have chosen in life, but it's the path that's been provided,” said Hirsch. “And I'm going to make the most of it while I'm here.”
