Ryan Lochte (By Jason Kempin, Getty Images)
By Chris Chase, USA TODAY
What's the opposite of "jeah?" That's what Americans will be muttering to their inconsolable selves after learning Ryan Lochte will not be the next bachelor.
Kristin Dos Santos of E! News reports the American swimming star is "out of the running" to be the next star of ABC's The Bachelor. According to a source, the swimming star was "honestly briefly considered."
Those qualifying adverbs make me doubt the veracity of that statement.
Lochte had been openly lobbying for the chance to find his soulmate while ziplining in Costa Rica with cameras and boom mics in tow. His dream, and ours, has died.
Do you know how boring and insincere Ryan Lochte must be if The Bachelor turned him down? He had 30 million people watching him every night at the Olympics, a built-in fanbase for which the show would kill. He's handsome. He has a six-pack, and not some lousy six-pack ab equivalent of Busch Lite; those things are like Budweiser tallboys. He parades around in a Speedo all day. He could have given hands-on private swim lessons to individual contestants. He'd gently help her freestyle arm motion, then gently lean over for a kiss that surprised them both. This could have happened every week in different venues. Now that hope has gone and some guy named Konnor or Brad will be giving roses to Britney, but not Brittany or Britneigh or Brittnay.
For ABC to have turned this down says more about Lochte's lack of personality than any bumbling Access Hollywood interview could.
How will Lochte find true love now? Being on The Bachelor was going to aid in his quest to find "the one." Now, the only women he'll meet will be insincere fame-seekers with questionable motives that he finds in Las Vegas nightclubs. They'll be far -- FAR -- from the quality of mate he'd have found on a dating reality show.