Before I inform you which movies last year were a bane on my existence, let me first throw up a quick disclaimer.
"Worst Movies" lists, as I explained in December, are important. In more ways than one, they can be just as valuable as the best movies lists. After all, one shouldn't forget that we are called film critics for a reason. We offer our analysis, an opinion that is objective yet fairly heartfelt and sure, and that will include some negativity. If not, it's a sappy lovefest and nobody wants that.
After all, a film critic and the people who make them should never get too close. It's why movie fans will always have a problem with film critics: if we come down on a film, we are just being selfish film snobs. If we love an independent film too much, we're still being selfish film snobs. It's a lose-lose situation, but a line we must toe all the same.
2019's film strength was made out of tungsten, but there were some weak moments. Movies that hopefully only I saw and not you. We see the slop that most people avoid, and our only hope is that we helped you steer clear. Every film production starts out with good intentions but doesn't always end well.
Here are the five movies that simply didn't work at all. If there was a thread, I'd go with unintentional humor.
"Dumbo"
This live-action Disney remake was simply a disaster. I should be smiling at a classic, not unintentionally laughing and cringing. The directing all the way down to the acting was wickedly dull. Colin Farrell looked confused for most of his screen time. I kept looking at my watch. "The Lion King" may not have been good, but this movie was ugly.
"The Kitchen"
It should have been a comedy. After all, Melissa McCarthy and Tiffany Haddish are predominant comedy actresses. Instead, this humorless gangster wife drama slogs along at a ghoulish pace until the final cringe-worthy third of the film presents one with the idea of walking out. This is a movie that started as one thing and ended up something completely different.
"Gemini Man"
Will Smith is better than this. This was something more suited to Lorenzo Lamas or Don "The Dragon" Wilson and it would have taken place back in the 1990s -- and you would have forgotten about it 24 hours later. What should have been a guilty pleasure turned into a CGI disaster. Ang Lee is an accomplished filmmaker, but this was a huge swing and miss. The de-aging fueled thriller carried zero nuance and wasted the usually reliable Clive Owen and Mary Elizabeth Winstead.
"Greta"
The theme of unintentionally funny thrillers continues with this trashy rendition of "don't talk to strangers, especially creepy old ladies." Isabelle Huppert is accomplished and Chloe Grace Moretz usually doesn't mess up a painting, but both can't overcome the overly nonsensical plot and poor follow-through after an adequate opening. Leave this stranger on the train.
"What Men Want"
The Mel Gibson/Helen Hunt film worked very well. It was effortlessly charming and funny. This humorless attempt at comedy uses a similar formula but lacks the sizzle and precision. Taraji P. Henson is so good but can't lift up this obscene material. Brian Bosworth popped up and that produced the biggest chuckle.
There were other films that ruefully missed the mark, but these five take the cake. Hopefully, readers understand that the bad ones need to be called out too. It isn't like the cast and crew don't get paid if the film does poorly. They got a paycheck, but like any form of art or service in this world, they can be graded. It's all part of the plan.
Let's not too get bent out of shape about it. After all, think of it as our service to the film industry and a warning sign for you.
Thanks for reading,
@buffa82
